This morning I woke up and had a magical Christmas with my kids. I was a bit worried how they would handle their first Christmas without their mom and dad together. But I have to be honest, I think kids are stronger than us adults are. They handled it like champs. They haven’t had the worldly conditioning you and I have had as adults. A world that tells us to be perfect. A world that defines happiness as having a big house, a great body, a huge bank account and a Lamborghini. By the way I always tell my boys, “A man that drives a Lambo has what I call small dick disease.”
Later on that morning my ex-wife stopped by to pick up the kids so she could have her Christmas with them and you know what, that visit with her was great. We had one of the most honest, engaging, and caring conversations we’ve had in our lives. It almost made me wonder why we got divorced in the first place…then I remembered and moved on. You ever think that sometimes the things we don’t want, are the things we really need? This morning for the first time I truly saw her not as an ex-wife, but as a friend, and a flawed human just like me, just like you; just like everyone in this world. You see my friends we are all fucked up and have our own personal battles to fight.
After they left my happiness shifted as the minutes turned to hours. The joyful banter of my boys was gone, replaced with fucking silence. Now I’m sitting in my house on Christmas afternoon alone. It’s the first time in my life I’ve been alone on this day and it’s harder than I thought it would be. Right now I’m on my sixth Crown and Coke, listening to superhero theme music and feeling pretty shit faced. I really didn’t think I’d feel lonely, hell I’ll admit it, I’m also sad and afraid. So that got me thinking, why shouldn’t I share what I’m feeling right now with you all? We live in a world where many of us are fearful of sharing our hurt and pain, much less our joys and pleasures. For me, I’m not doing that anymore, hence one of the main reasons I created this blog. I’m tired of living a lie and pretending that shit is always fucking roses or that I’m doing okay, because you know, sometimes life sucks and bad shit happens. I want to be free and free I’ll be by opening up. I encourage you all to do the same.
For men, it’s especially difficult to open up, it’s that pride thing that sometimes doesn’t allow us to be heartfelt, scared or vulnerable. We are told if we do so that we’re not being the strong, stoic beings were born to be. But I think that’s bullshit. However, that doesn’t mean you can be a bitch either, there is a time and place for everything and sometimes breaking down and sobbing after a fender bender isn’t the place to do it.
In 2018, I got divorced, and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life. As a man and an ex-athlete, I’ve been conditioned to suck it up, be tough and not show any emotion. Just go out there kick ass take names, and dominate. Don’t let anyone see any weakness. It was something I learned in baseball, and I still struggle with today, but not as much as I used to. Today I feel like I’m becoming a more diverse man, one who can still clear a bar in a bar fight, but also be confident enough to sit down face to face with a beautiful woman and express myself with confidence.
Like I mentioned before, one of the biggest reasons for this blog was so that I could show my whole heart, so that I can encourage people on this planet to be transparent and heartfelt. So if you want to judge, go ahead that’s your business and I don’t give a fuck.
I’m sure of you are thinking, “Didn’t he say he was a Christian?” Yes, I am and a proud one! And as a Christian I feel like I’m being judged by everyone all the time. Judged that I got divorced, that I curse too much, that I drink too much, that I’m too judgmental or that I get the bad rap for telling people like it is. I’ve always had that no bullshit mentality. But you know what? I’m human. I have real world problems. Just because I played MLB doesn’t mean I don’t have the same trials and tribulations as the guy who works the counter at a 7-11, but yeah I know I can hear you. “You made millions and that guy makes minimum wage.” If you feel that way then I don’t know what to tell you, life is life, I’d love for that guy at 7-11 to make millions, I don’t have judgement about that, I don’t separate people into classes, that’s for our leftist friends, they do that. I judge a man by his character not by his paycheck, if you’re a good guy, share my values, and are good to people then we could be friends. But then again, if you think in regards to wealth equality and other bullshit like that, you’re most likely a fucking socialist and need a good throat punch.
Damn, I just slammed down another Crown and Coke and I can really feel it. And as if it was perfectly choreographed, “Hearts on Fire” from the Rocky 4 soundtrack just started playing. The hairs on my neck just stood up. As I listen to the words I can relate, we all need to have our hearts be on fire again. Hell I didn’t live that way for many years after my retirement, my heart was cold as ice. It felt hopeless, miserable, sad, and hurt; and all because I didn’t know how to handle retiring from baseball. I did finally figure that shit out, think I’ll blog about that next time. #spoileralert
Can I be honest? Of course I can. I know I’m not alone here but here it is, I used to have that mentality that blamed others for my ills and cast judgement on everyone. However, I shifted away from that this last year. I have come to find compassion for others, because I have had to learn how to become compassionate to myself. If you’re an alpha male reading this, like I feel in my heart I am, know that you can be more authentic, heartfelt, and emotional when you need to be, don’t bottle that shit up. I guarantee you your wife or girlfriend will approve. And by the way, don’t just do it for her, DO IT FOR YOU!
Each time I write one of these blogs I feel more and more like me again. More manly, more authentic, more inspirational. Yes I may piss off a lot of people. And yes I may not resonate with you all the time, but there are times I will and that makes it all worthwhile.
Holy shit balls “Indestructible” by Disturbed just came on my headphones. I think it’s time for a refill, I’ll be right back….
I’m back and refilled, this time a bit more Crown than the last one. Sometimes as a man of God I feel guilty that I’m writing this, that maybe I shouldn’t be so transparent, or drunk when I write. But hell, Jesus turned water into wine when everyone was already shit faced at a wedding, so He can’t frown upon having a few to many cocktails every now and then right? That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. It’s been said that, “A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.” But I know so many others, especially Christians that struggle, and I want them to not feel so alone. We are so fucked up as humans in a world where sin and guilt run rampant. I know you guys. You envy money, material bullshit, even your neighbor’s wife. You may be an alcoholic, or suffer from drug addiction like I used too. Hell, you may even be addicted to jerking off to porn which I myself am guilty of, most likely even tonight. I’m no different than you. And in order to win this war we all need to step up and be authentic.
In the world we live in we try to be perfect. We try to impress people we don’t even like, all the while sacrificing our own sanity and happiness to do so. So I want you guys to know I’ve decided to write a blog monthly, hell maybe even weekly where I will have my cocktails and just type what’s in my heart. No shit I’m 1000 words in and it’s only been about thirty minutes.
I’ll finish with this, I was sad when I first started writing this, but now I’m happy and encouraged as I begin to close this out. Why? Because I have you all, I have kindred spirits out there who will read this and understand and yes, I had a little liquid courage to help me too.
I’ll leave you all with something to ponder and yes, I stole this from Aquaman the movie which I saw yesterday. I love Aquaman more than any other superhero because he isn’t a goody two shoes. He’s a man’s man. He get’s shit faced. He has an edgy free spirit about him. He is strong, and doesn’t give two fucks what people think. And if I was gay he’d be right up my alley. If you can’t tell I fucking love Superhero films. One scene in Aquaman really struck a chord with me. Aquaman’s mother says, “Kings protect their people, but a hero protects all people”. That’s what I want my life to be as I search my soul for a new purpose outside the celebrity life of a professional athlete. I want to be a hero. Not a hero to protect all people, but to inspire, all people. Inspire them to live true to themselves.
I love you all…… and need another drink.